Two things can be true:

1. I really hated being pregnant.
2. I really love my baby.

But why did I not like being pregnant?

Well, two reasons.

1. I had hyperemesis gravidarum. I was nauseous and vomiting the entire ten months and two weeks that I was pregnant. I was medically gaslit into thinking it was a temporary bout of normal morning sickness until it meant I had to lose my job and my health. I was bed-bound to my little lounge room for most of my pregnancy.
2. I had severe rib pain which led to three hospital visits for fear of pre-eclampsia. Turns out, my baby girl was just kicking me so hard into one spot in my ribs, and I had prenatal hypertension (AKA high blood pressure) that required frequent monitoring.

Women in my life, before I got pregnant, really emphasized that pregnancy was this beautiful, elegant, ethereal experience. I wanted that to be true for me. I was told that God created me for pregnancy and birth, so when I got deathly ill (nearly literally), I felt so much shame and anger towards women and towards God. I am still processing my experience with HG. It changed the way my body responds to stimuli. It gave me PTSD where I get panic attacks due to certain sensations, smells and tastes. I can’t really even look at photos from my pregnancy without being consumed by anxiety and sickness. It sucks. I wanted a different experience, but I did not get what I wanted. Coming to terms with that, is hard.

But I am not afraid to say that I didn’t like my pregnancy. God gives us things we do not like. He has His purposes for that. God gave me a healthy and beautiful and funny and gorgeous and goofy and clever baby girl who is my entire world. I like that God gave me her. I’m thankful that my terrible pregnancy gave me my amazing daughter.

I think, sometimes, our traditional Christian circles place an unrealistic expectation on women. We HAVE to be grateful no matter what. We MUST find the silver lining. We CANNOT be upset at the way things happen. We CANNOT question why God gave us a terrible experience.

I am beginning to resist these unwritten rules and am practicing sitting comfortably with dual and grey perspectives. I am sitting with feeling different feelings simultaneously and not immediately prescribing these feelings as sinful or not sinful.

I am thankful AND angry. I am joyful AND deeply sad. I am amazed at God’s work in my life AND sometimes bitterly disappointed. But that anger, deep sadness, and disappointment does not mean I do not trust that God is still all-loving, all-knowing and good. It means I am working through my human (and admittedly sin-effected) emotions in a way that does not exacerbate unhelpful thoughts of shame and guilt.

I hope that you allow yourself to be okay with conflicting truths and conflicting feelings. I hope you give yourself time to work through those things. I hope you never rush it.

<3